this year, i am resolute!

Every new year I start off with a short, non-specific list of resolutions which I subsequently abandon by start-of-day January 2nd. With this year feeling figuratively bigger and potentially better than any other, I wanted to do my resolutions right. So by drastically overthinking each one, and getting myself out of the timeframe where 98% of the population falters, I'm a step closer to guaranteeing success. Potentially.

1) Eat healthier.
This one was not a conscious decision, but moreso my body screaming for nutrients not attained by a constant diet of coffee and hot dogs. It was early in the month still when I saw a character on television eating a grapefruit, and immediately wanted one. Not an "oh, a grapefruit might be tasty!" sane kind of wanting, but an angry, desperate desire. There was yelling at no one in particular about how Hannaford closes at 9:00, thusly denying citrus fruits to the community as a whole. A few days later, I strode purposefully away from the candy aisle to attain prices and availability of veggie platters. I've historically been minerally abusive to my body. This sudden craving for fresh produce is my subconscious last-ditch effort to get right with itself before I turn 30, and everything starts going downhill. It's like my body is a bomb shelter, and there's a nuclear war coming, but I'm still dangerously low on canned goods and Tang.

2) Exercise.
When dirty jeans have a just-washed fit, one begins to realize they're losing the battle. I thought I had this one beat last year, because I purchased DVDs of Pilates. Couple the fact that pilates are EXTREMELY hard and not fun with my intense dislike of Mari Winsor, and you'll be as unsurprised as I am that the exercise resolution last year derailed itself within a week. This resolution is deceptively tricky, and the results depend heavily on the success of my other resolutions. Luckily, I'm pretty gung-ho about the other ones, so hopefully exercise will work itself out. And walking is easy enough when the temperature's right.

3) Read 50 books this year.
I never would've thought to set a number, but since everyone and their uncle is doing the 50 books list, it seems like a worthy goal. I'm off to a horrendous start, what with January being half over, and no way to get to the library. Reading books I own feels like cheating. Not that we don't have a slew of very shitty literature in the attic, the remnants of our Library Book Sale expeditions. Beggars can't be choosers. I'll probably rummage through them later. I just won't share the list next year.

4) Set a leg shaving schedule.
Sorry, people who don't care. It's a resolution. Right now I'm averaging twice a year, and that's just not going to work anymore. I'm extremely lazy, and don't like to exert effort. Showers are exhausting enough before having to worry about the acrobatics that go into leg shaving. Don't expect me to stand in a tub full of water on one leg while wielding a sharp object and not come out seriously injured. I'm just not that gifted. And you couldn't pay me to try waxing my legs. I attempted that once, and am of the opinion that waxing is punishment for sinners. Hell is full of silky-smooth, baby-soft demons. So this year, I'm going to step up to the plate, and vow to set a regular schedule. How regular will depend on various factors that I won't trouble anyone with, but at least once a month? Maybe?

That's all for 2006. I'm not going to overwhelm myself. The four resolutions I've got here are basic, but tricky enough for this year. Next year I'll branch out, be a little more creative and adventurous. Or I'll try these ones again. Because I'm not out the woods yet - I've got 11 1/2 months left to fail.